i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
