I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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