dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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