first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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