Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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