Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
