he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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