I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
