Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
