Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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