Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
