I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
