she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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