Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize