I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
