In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dignity is for republicans.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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