she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this beer tastes like vomit already
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
