see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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