Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
