wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
