I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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