A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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