I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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