apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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