There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just google imaged poop.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize