Umm I'm too high to move.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
