the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
