community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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