i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
