I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
