So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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