Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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