it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize