i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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