I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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