yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
