he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
