Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
