I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize