You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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