I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
