dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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