He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
