phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
