what day is it and did you see me today?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
did you just send me my own nude
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
