Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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