I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
