oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
