You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
