I haven't been this sober since birth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
