Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
