best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just pee around me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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