How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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