My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
