Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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