Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
