Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize