i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
