I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
