he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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