brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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