Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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