thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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