I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't deserve a penis
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
