The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
