toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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