the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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