He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
