it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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