You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
