I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
