i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
