First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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