First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
