So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
