Are we in a gay sports bar?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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