I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
