I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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