I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize