I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
