I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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