omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
