i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
